


Gone away

by JauntyHako



Series: Post Season 5 AU [8]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: In which John fears he messed up, M/M, Pre-Slash, Todd deals with the situation by avoiding it, and friendships are restored via the power of reading other people's diaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-23 01:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7461267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JauntyHako/pseuds/JauntyHako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Todd has left Atlantis to negotiate a new alliance with the wraith, leaving John to ruminate over how their relationship has changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone away

He dreamt Todd was with him, more intimately than before. They were close to the point where John no longer knew where his mind ended and Todd's began. Thoughts bled into each other, the mental connection almost stronger than the physical one, but there was no mistaking the intensity of Todd's feeding hand on his chest, and even though his touch was gentle, John knew he should be terrified. It was threat as much as promise and yet he had never felt safer. Todd's hair tickled his shoulders, smooth skin glided over his bare chest and John felt like he had truly come home.

Rare glimpses of the wraith in the few beams of moonlight falling in through the curtained window showed him a stop-motion animation of a kiss in the making. The decision flowing across the mindbridge reflected in his eyes, fonder than any other John had seen directed at him, those same eyes flitting to his lips, almost hesitant. John wondered why wraith would kiss like humans did but then why wouldn't they? Their mouths were as sensitive as a human's and their shows of affection even more physical. Todd hummed something under his breath, like part of a simple melody, although on second thought John was no longer certain if the sound really existed or if he heard it only in his head. It was calming, nonetheless, and allowed him to close his eyes and lean into the kiss, anticipate it with an ease that betrayed his earlier doubts. Todd was trustworthy, safe in his patience and full of affection from the day they met. If there was one person in two galaxies John knew would never hurt him, it was Todd.

 

He woke with lingering bliss chased away by bitterness. It soured the dream, knowing the intimacy he remembered had not come because Todd liked him, but because they were too competitive for their own good and made a game of something that should never have occurred in the first place. John made a right mess of things and now Todd was gone. No one on the base was sure if he'd be coming back.

Switching on the light, John sat up in the bed and dragged his fingers through his hair. Away on negotiations Todd had explained but the decision came too sudden and the circumstances too suspect to believe him fully. They let him go, because he was no longer their prisoner and would not be held back even if they tried. Which they hadn't, because whatever horrible mistake John made, they didn't fear being betrayed. Nothing could be kept secret in a city like Atlantis for long and most already knew about the fake relationship John and Todd pretended to be in for the better part of two days. Or at least, they knew the rumours. Some of them left out the 'fake' part and assumed the two had broken up a relationship that never existed. Others were convinced Todd pined for John and left the city when he couldn't bear not having him. They came close, John supposed, as he gave up on sleep and decided on an early day. Only it was not Todd doing the unrequited pining.

 

The gateroom was the only part of the city brightly lit at all hours of the day. It was still two hours until the day shift trickled in and the sleepy silence of the place instantly set John at ease. Atlantis was his city and nowhere did that become more apparent than right here, leaning against the railing and watching artificial light rays from the outside lanterns filter in through the stained glass windows that provided the background for the stargate. She felt alive to John, even if Rodney kept claiming it was just a false perception from the algorithms written by the Ancients to make living in her more convenient. It was more than that, though. It was the people working right now, the ghosts walking the halls evidenced by long-forgotten projects and experiments. It was the thrum of electricity coursing through the city's conduits, the lights moving with the people. It was the smell of ocean and the detergent used to clean their uniforms and civilian clothes. It was her sweeping towers being more like a home than anywhere John had ever been before. Even Todd said the city lived, and to him most human things felt dead.

John wondered where Todd was now. If he was presiding negotiations, speaking in the name of a queen that didn't exist. Or if he was off on his own adventures, having already forgotten about John and Atlantis. He supposed in the mind of a creature as ancient as Todd his own life was a tiny speck in a much larger scheme. There were undoubtedly humans before John whom he allied with, other people who taught him how to communicate verbally on a level most wraith never cared to perfect. Other wraith, when they spoke, sounded harsh and demanding, even threatening. They didn't care for the subtler undertones in verbal speech, how to persuade, charm, joke. They didn't know how to say nothing with a lot of words and a lot of things with few. Todd knew all of that and somewhere, sometime, he had to have learned it. With another human, far in the past and he'd continue to learn and meet more humans in the future, spend more years with them than John had left to live and in that flurry of familiar faces, he would be forgotten.

He shook his head, wondering about that streak of self-pity so unlike him. Although he'd always tended to be more introspective the more heartbroken he was. And ruining one of the few real friendships he managed to build was enough to break anyone's heart.

Resolving not to think about Todd any more than he had to and simply hope he'd return from his errand as he promised he would, John turned to get some breakfast and start his morning routine.

 

Routine was what he'd fallen back on for two weeks after Todd's departure, the empty spot in their team irreplacable and thus enough reason for John to give Teyla and Rodney some much deserved time off, and routine was what he continued to rely on. First breakfast, then a jog across the city. Next sparring with whomever was available, followed by lunch, paperwork and any other duties that piled up. Then another jog in the evening to help him unwind, before he went to bed, studiously ignoring the Ancient's diary he and Todd read and chatted about whenever a chance presented itself. No more of that, even if Todd returned to his place in the city. In the days between what John only called the Incident and his departure from Atlantis, Todd avoided him like the Hoffian plague. The ease with which they regarded each other twisted into awkwardness. It wasn't even the first time something like this had happened and one would think John learned from his mistakes. But despite Don't ask, don't tell, he'd let slip to a comrade that he may or may not be less than straight. The next thing he knew said comrade, whom he'd fought alongside for the better part of a year, requested to be transferred to another unit. That was the end of that friendship, one in a long row of instances where John couldn't keep the closet doors shut and made everything worse.

 

Torn between carefully avoiding any thoughts about Todd and their relationship and inevitably brooding over those very same topics, the news of Todd's return were met with mixed feelings. The first, almost instinctual reaction was one of joy. If John had been a dog, his tail would have been wagging as one of his best friends stepped through the gate. It lasted a split-second before apprehension replaced the unconditional happiness, the small voice of anxiety asking if Todd still _was_ one of his best friends. They greeted each other stiffly and crossed the distance between gate and debriefing room in silence.

There wasn't much to say. Some Hives agreed to join Todd's alliance, others did not. Some brought valuable resources, others intel on their enemies. Most did not like indirectly working with humans, all were told to suck it up. Still it took almost an hour before they were released and everyone trickled out of the room until only John and Todd remained.

"I had hoped to talk with you." Todd said, not as self-assured as he usually was. As far as John knew wraith didn't know what to do with the concept of homophobia, but same-gendered or not having your best friend make out with you was bound to change things.   
"Sure." he said as his heart jumped up into his throat.

They fell into pace together, muscle memory took over to carry them to the mess hall. Even with everything that happened it was nice being close to Todd again. John had almost forgotten how at ease he felt when they were together, even beyond his romantic feelings that he still didn't like having. Todd was good company, mischievous when the mood took him, but also able to sit quietly and relax, something Rodney for instance never managed.

"I have left the coordination of the hives to my second in command." Todd said. "He is capable enough, but he has asked me to return for good."

John forced himself to keep walking. He'd counted on something like this but it still stung.

"I'm not your mom, you don't have to ask me for permission." he said and managed a dry smile, which Todd returned.

"I am not asking for permission. I am asking if you want me to leave."

"What?" The question caught John by surprise, who wasn't used to being asked for his opinion regarding his former best friends escape from his bisexuality.

"Things have become tense between you and me. If my presence on Atlantis upsets you-"  
"No!" John said, finally catching on to what happened. "I mean, no. What happened with … that wasn't your fault. It was just bad judgement on my part. Things got a little out of hand, but that's all behind us, right?"

Todd tilted his head, agreement or puzzlement John couldn't tell.

"I mean, if you _want_ to leave-"  
"I do not." Todd said simply. John's heart returned to its assigned seat in his chest and tension he didn't know he held bled from his body in one single rush. Todd said he didn't want to leave and he believed him. He could be a cunning, double-dealing old bastard at times but he rarely outright lied. The first real smile in weeks snuck onto John's face.

"So we're good?" he asked and Todd nodded, mirroring his expression.

 

Things returned to normal, they talked, they sparred, they played video games and all was well. Todd had to leave again a few days later but when he said he'd return, it didn't feel like a hollow promise.

This time around it was easier waiting for Todd and he went through his day without obsessing over the wraith. Outside on missions he barely missed Todd's abilities and during his downtime he kept himself occupied with the other friends he had instead of sulking in his room. There were still the dreams that were harder to process the less sexual and more romantic they got, but John dealt with inappropriate crushes before and could do it again.

Todd was scheduled to return late in the night, almost a month later, and John planned on waiting for him in the mess hall with the Ancient's diary. He would have, too, but the day began abruptly at 4am with a containment error in one of the uncatalogued ancient labs unleashing flesh-eating bugs on the base. After putting the entire city in lockdown and failing to harm the critters with conventional weaponry they finally figured out a way to recapture them with some leftover wraith tech, the organic matter of which the bugs had apparently been designed to destroy, but by then half the base personnel was laid out with nasty flesh wounds and the security teams ran themselves ragged searching the city for the bugs and catching them with the least amount of bites possible.

When Rodney confirmed the last were back in their containment fields and would be released on the next uninhabited planet, it was past eleven pm and John had been on his feet for twenty hours straight. The moment he sat down in his quarters, intending to just quickly change his clothes and grab the diary, he fell asleep.

 

A deep chuckle woke him and couldn't tell if he'd been dreaming it. The lights in his quarters had shut themselves off, submersing the room in almost total darkness. He dreamt of Todd again, this time they'd been in the infirmary with Todd lovingly taking care of John, who'd been almost eaten by Iratus bugs. It wasn't as nonsensical as some of the other dreams he had, which was something at least.

Just as he convinced himself that he'd been dreaming the soft laughter, he heard leather rustling. His hand snapped to the light by the bedside and the ensuing wave of warm light revealed seven feet of wraith standing in his bedroom, laughing at him.

"What's so funny?" he mumbled, chasing away the sleepiness as he sat up.  
"You talk in your sleep." Todd informed him. Cold dread ran down John's spine as he fought to keep his face blank.

"Say anything interesting?" he asked and congratulated himself on how casual he sounded. Todd shrugged and sat down on the bed, completely disregarding John's personal space. He didn't mind. He learned very early into their friendship that wraith didn't equate physical proximity with intimacy. They had two types of relationships. Hivekin, with whom you shared everything from food to sleeping space, and enemies. John, no longer belonging in the latter category, was privy to the social norms of a species who saw their friends as bodily extensions of themselves.

"You asked if the scars would make you more attractive."

John groaned and hid his blush expertly by leaning over the bed and fishing his tshirt from the floor. At least he didn't say something incriminating like Todd's name. Only when he put on the tshirt did he notice the ereader in Todd's hands. Right. He kind of promised to continue reading together once he returned.

"Now?" he asked with a nod towards the device. Todd looked down at it, then back at John. He shrugged in a gesture of 'why not?' and John sighed in mock exasperation and shuffled up to lean against the headboard while Todd made himself comfortable next to him.

 

Few others had as much interest in the records of Ancient history they discovered a few months ago as Todd and John. To them the idea of wraith and Ancient's living together in peace was as alien as it was intriguing. It had become an almost weekly ritual of reading a few chapters and comparing their experiences with their respective species. Wraith culture especially seemed to have shrivelled after the war broke out. Most of the ancient wraith's traditions were as foreign to Todd as they were to John. He wasn't surprised Todd sought out every chance he got to learn about his own people.

Usually after their reading sessions they went their separate ways, but tonight was different. Todd's journey had exhausted him, and so it was no surprise that sometime into the second chapter John felt a weight on his shoulder. Glancing over he found Todd slumped against him, his breaths so deep and slow it was hard to tell if he was even alive.

The panic that surged up in him didn't last long. He was too tired for it and besides, he didn't have the heart to wake Todd even if he could somehow scrounge up a damn to give. Putting the book aside he settled deeper into the mattress, pushing and pulling carefully until they were both horizontal and mostly comfortable. They had made out without destroying their friendship, John rationalised, they would survive falling asleep together. Even as the thought occurred John knew he'd act differently if he didn't have to fight off sleep with every blink of his eye. As it was he shut off the light and fell asleep listening to Todd's deep breaths.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm not really happy with this one, but I needed a bridge between the fake-relationship bit and what comes next. Will probably rewrite this sometime so it's more coherent/less ooc.


End file.
